Back to Work

You really have no idea how motherhood is going to change your life until you’re actually living it out. Anyone who knows me can vouch, work has always played a huge role in my life. I worked my ass off to move up as quick as I could fresh out of college, and when the time came to make a move that was going to advance my career, I took it. Kids were definitely in the future, but Mark and I decided from the beginning of our marriage that they would come in time, and there was no need to rush into parenthood. We took plenty of random weekend get-aways, enjoyed Friday night poker and weekend golf, and had our fare share of party ‘til you puke nights – I guess that was more my issue than Mark’s. He was usually the one holding my hair back. LOL. I’m not saying we can’t still do those things, we can, but with parenting comes sacrifice. And we just weren’t ready to make the sacrifice that in both of our minds was necessary if we wanted to be the parents we planned on being. Not to mention, I had no intention of staying home full time, so I needed to feel confident in the progress I’d made with my career before starting the next chapter – Corporate Mommyhood.

If you would have asked me 2 years ago if I planned to have a kid by 2010, I would have probably laughed in your face. It’s funny how (literally) overnight, we knew we were ready. I guess the closest thing I can compare the feeling to is the one you feel for your partner when you’re ready to commit to him for the rest of your life. When you know, you know, and there’s not much more to it. The same happened when we decided to start “trying.” Not to go too far off on a tangent, but can I tell you, I hate that phrase – trying. We tried to keep it a secret, because the last thing you want is someone asking you every month, “Did you get it? Did your period come?” All of a sudden, once you’ve made it public knowledge your trying to get pregnant, your menstrual cycle becomes the ice breaker for every conversation. OK, back to the subject at hand.

I decided to take four months off after Isaac arrived, and good Lord it went by fast. The idea of going back to work was definitely bittersweet. I missed the email rants with my counterparts; looked forward to retiring the sweatpants for slacks and make-up; and to be honest, even though I wouldn’t mind less volume of work, I actually enjoy what I do. There is surely satisfaction in being able to bring new ideas to the table, executing on them, and seeing the return on your investment. Granted, that is not always the case. There are surely days I want to pull my hair out, because let’s face it, they (believe) they know better than I – HA! But for someone who hates to clean and has always considered herself a career woman (Yes, Mark knows what he signed up for!) the feeling I get at work was somewhat more gratifying than having the dishes done, and laundry folded when Mark got home from work. OK, that might not have come out right, the point I’m trying to make is that you have to be honest with yourself, which I finally was 2 months into my maternity leave.

During my leave I had an opportunity to really get to know Isaac, but I also learned a lot about myself. Staying at home full time (at least right now) just isn’t for me, and that’s OK. But can I tell you, there were weeks when I really felt guilty about feeling this way. I miss Isaac a TON during the day, and yes, I do wish I could be home with him more than I am now, but the reality is, Momma enjoys bringing home (some of) the bacon! My ideal scenario would be to work most days in the office, with at least one day at home, little to no commute, and an employer who actually supported the fact that I am a mom. Not that being a mom is going to affect my work product, but if my butt is going to be in the office by 8, then I’m leaving at 5. You know I have that damn Blackberry on 24/7 and you know I’m good for checking it at least a few times through out the evening. The only difference now is that it gets checked AFTER I’ve spent some time with my baby!

It’s now been 2.5 weeks since I returned to work, and each day gets a little better – thanks Jodi, you were right! And tears haven’t been part of my day for over a week now. I know as time passes, each day will continue to get a little easier. Thankfully I have an amazing mom who cares for Isaac Tuesday through Thursday, and a loving mother-in-law who spends most Fridays caring for her grandson. I love you both. Thank you for respecting how Mark and I want Isaac raised and for being such a huge part of our lives. I can’t imagine having gone through this transition without both of you by our sides!